"Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" - in theaters

The first "Pirates of the Caribbean" holds my personal record for number of times seeing a movie in the theaters ( - cough - seven - cough- ). I'm not ashamed of it. I swear.

I was more than a little bummed to see that neither Orlando Bloom (my FAVORITE) nor Keira Knightley were going to make an appearance. And all throughout the movie I kept my fingers crossed for some hint of Will and Elizabeth action. But alack! No such thing occurred, so don't even waste your time waiting for it.

I can't really tell you the plot of this movie, because like all of the others in the Pirates franchise, it was a little tough to follow. You never know who is double-crossing who, or which pirate is the most honest. But I can tell you that the story is about Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) trying to find the fountain of youth before Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush, in all of his syphilis-encrusted glory) or Blackbeard (Ian McShane) does. It's not as straight forward as that, and when you add in Angelica (Penelope Cruz) who may or may not be Blackbeard's daughter and Jack's ex-lover, things get a little complicated.

There was a strong showing by newcomer Sam Claflin, who plays Philip, a missionary aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge (not by choice, as Angelica saved his life). Philip preaches how souls can be saved, and in doing so, hopes to deter Blackbeard from doing evil. A fool's pursuit, no doubt. But things change when they capture a mermaid, Syrena (Astrid Berges-Frisbey), and Philip kind of falls in love with her. It's quite a sweet story, and Philip does take his shirt off, revealing that missionaries have got it going on (at least sometimes). But it's still no replacement for the awesomeness of Will Turner. For one, I don't think you ever see Philip pick up a sword. And what good is a hot guy in a pirate movie if he can't fence?

This movie made me wonder if Johnny Depp is ever going to grow tired of playing Jack Sparrow. Remember how in the first Pirates, he was nominated for an Oscar? Crazy!

So on the CWeave scale, I give this movie a 7. It's fun and full of dirty pirates. It may not have the best story line, but you can't ask for more in a summer movie than allowing it to take you away from your own life for a few hours. And that's what this film does.

"The Tourist" - in theaters

I saw a lot of movies while I was home in Michigan over the holiday break, so you'll see several posts in the next few days as I get caught up.

Let me start off by saying how I don't understand how this movie got so many Golden Globe nominations. I mean, seriously Hollywood Foreign Press? Did Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp sleep with ALL of you to score those nods? I'm just wondering.

While I was sitting through "The Tourist", I wasn't always entirely sure what was going on. The story revolves around Elise (Jolie), an apparent socialite who is being watched by the authorities because of her involvement with a now notorious thief and tax evader whose name I can't remember. But this guy, let's call him Tom, sends her a note with instructions to get on a train and pick out someone who has his build and befriend him. The point of this is to make the authorities believe that this "tourist" is really the Tom, and hence Elise and Tom can go off while the tourist pays the price. The tourist that is picked is Frank Tupelo (Johnny Depp), a math teacher from the Midwest on holiday in Italy.

The film goes on from there with Jolie semi-seducing Johnny Depp so that he checks into a hotel with her, escorts her around town, blah blah blah. And of course, not only are the authorities searching for Tom, but also so is the criminal that he stole from. All in all, there are a lot of people trying to shoot him.

I think this film tried to be too many different things, and in the end, it didn't work out. It tried to be romantic, but let's face it: seeing Johnny Depp in a "normal" role was just too weird. Not to mention that there wasn't a ton of chemistry between the two leads. It tried to be an action movie, but it didn't allow Angelina Jolie to kick ass. I was sitting there the whole time thinking, "When is she going to drop kick that guy across the room?" It also tried to be a buddy action flick, which failed miserably. Again, if Depp had a sword in his hand, it might have been a different story.

My favorite character was played by Paul Bettany, who was the Interpol officer assigned to find the illusive Tom, and he took his job seriously to the point of obsession. I always enjoy Paul Bettany and think that he gets the short end of the stick at times. Remember how he was Chaucer in "A Knight's Tale"? Quality shit.

So on the CWeave scale, I give this movie a 5. Maybe it'll improve on second viewing, but I really don't intend to find out. So if you see this movie, see it for Paul if nothing else. Because Johnny Depp as normal doesn't really work.

"Alice in Wonderland" - in theaters

I think I'm going to add Tim Burton to the list of directors whom I don't trust directing movies based upon books that I love. So far that list only has Christopher Columbus on it, but it's a growing list, dammit.

I knew going into "Alice in Wonderland" that it wasn't going to be like the book at all. I had read enough articles about it in my Entertainment Weekly to know that. But I feel as if Tim Burton just took the characters from both "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass", not to mention Lewis Carroll's poem, "The Jaberwocky", threw out the story-lines, and just came up with a plot that involved all of them.

The first major change is the fact that Alice is in her late teens/early twenties when she "returns" to "Underland" (which she mistakenly calls "Wonderland" in her first adventure there). After she falls down the rabbit hole, she finds that she must drink the potion to make her smaller, and then eat the cake to make herself bigger again. But this time, her clothes don't grow with her, and I'm pretty sure Tim Burton just wanted that poor actress to be naked and/or wearing ill-fitting costumes for the entire movie (although magically her shoes remained on her feet...). Once she finally leaves the entryway, she runs smack dab into a whole mess of characters who debate about whether or not she's the "real Alice". The rest of the plot centers around this very debate as Alice must first convince herself that she's the "real Alice".

Overall, I found the performances a bit ridiculous. Johnny Depp couldn't decide if he was English or Scottish, and didn't really come off as mad; simply weird. Helena Bonham Carter was shrill as the Red Queen, and I must agree with Entertainment Weekly when they described Anne Hathaway (who plays the White Queen) as looking like "an Italian porn star".

I also think that the title should have been different. "Alice in Wonderland" automatically makes me think of the animated Disney feature from years ago, and doesn't accurately describe the film that I just saw in theaters. It should have been titled "Alice's Return to Wonderland", as that's really what the film is about.

I saw it in regular 3D and I'm pretty glad that I didn't pay the extra for IMAX, because I would've been disappointed that I spent that much money. Even though the performances left something to be desired, if you are at all a fan of Tim Burton, then I would still go and see this film. The special effects are pretty awesome, especially in 3D.

So on the CWeave scale of 1 to 10, I rate this movie a 6.5. I probably won't own it, but I'm glad I saw it in theaters. But then again, I like Tim Burton's movies for the most part. If you're not a Burton fan, you may rate the movie lower.