"The Expendables" - in theaters

According to the advertising campaign for this film, I was promised a "man-gasm" if I saw it.

I didn't have one.

The story centers around this group of mercenaries for hire, led by Sylvester Stallone. They're all hardened guys who have seen a lot and have undoubtedly done many bad things. They call themselves, you guessed it, The Expendables, meaning that if one of them dies, no one would really notice.

The story takes off when Bruce Willis hires Stallone and his merry band of men to go to this island (which is God knows where) to kill a general who has basically enslaved his people and stole their livelihoods. But wouldn't you just know it, there's actually a hidden agenda in the form of Eric Roberts who is really the bad guy. It's making a statement regarding how America is bastardizing and exploiting other countries purely for resources, and it isn't entirely lost on the audience. But mostly it's just ridiculous.

There are explosions and fights galore. The Expendable crew includes Stallone, Jason Statham (so hot, seriously), Jet Li, Terry Crewes, and Randy Couture. Couture's style of fighting might have been my favorite. He would basically punch someone and then pick them up and slam them into the ground. Not the most elegant style, but effective nonetheless. Mickey Rourke plays a tattoo artist who used to run with Stallone's crew, but now just tends to get them jobs. And Dolph Lundgren plays an Expendable gone bad, who attempts to kill poor Jet Li multiple times.

So on the CWeave scale, I rate this movie a 6. No man-gasm, but I really like Statham, Li, and Couture. And I'm sorry but I just don't buy Stallone as a badass anymore. I think it's time he hung up his kick-ass pants for good. And I was also annoyed that Jason Statham, the ONE guy that I would like to see without his shirt on, kept it on the whole time! But Rourke and Stallone went topless. Entirely unnecessary.