"The Mechanic" - in theaters

I really wanted to love this movie.

But alack! I was disappointed.

"The Mechanic" is the story of Arthur (Jason Statham), an assassin for hire who is the best in the business. That is, until his company tricks him into killing his only friend, Harry (Donald Sutherland). Harry is Arthur's handler, and the company tells Arthur that Harry is into some dirty stuff. Without checking into it, Arthur shoots Harry in the chest. But unlike his other kills, Arthur feels guilty. So when Harry's son, Steve (Ben Foster), comes back into town to deal with Harry's affairs, Arthur takes him under his wing.

See, Steve has some serious anger management problems. He is a psychopath, hell bent on hurting anyone having to do with Harry's passing. But it's more than that. He just likes to hurt other people, which Arthur recognizes and tries to harness.

So it goes on with Arthur and Steve killing more people for money until they decide to go after the guys that wanted Harry dead to begin with. It's a lot of action and some brutal fight scenes, not to mention some sex scenes as well (which really have no place in the plot). Normally I dig this, but this film was grim. Hardly any laughter, and I don't think Statham smiled more than twice the entire time.

Ben Foster is absolutely disgusting as Steve. He's an angry, sleazy dude with a scuzzy beard, and he kind of makes your skin crawl. It's almost as if he was channeling his character from "3:10 to Yuma" but forgot that this wasn't the old West. Blegh.

On the CWeave scale, I rate this movie a 5. I really have no desire or need to see it ever again, even if Jason Statham kicks butt. I'd rather see him as Handsome Rob from "The Italian Job" than this joker.

"The Expendables" - in theaters

According to the advertising campaign for this film, I was promised a "man-gasm" if I saw it.

I didn't have one.

The story centers around this group of mercenaries for hire, led by Sylvester Stallone. They're all hardened guys who have seen a lot and have undoubtedly done many bad things. They call themselves, you guessed it, The Expendables, meaning that if one of them dies, no one would really notice.

The story takes off when Bruce Willis hires Stallone and his merry band of men to go to this island (which is God knows where) to kill a general who has basically enslaved his people and stole their livelihoods. But wouldn't you just know it, there's actually a hidden agenda in the form of Eric Roberts who is really the bad guy. It's making a statement regarding how America is bastardizing and exploiting other countries purely for resources, and it isn't entirely lost on the audience. But mostly it's just ridiculous.

There are explosions and fights galore. The Expendable crew includes Stallone, Jason Statham (so hot, seriously), Jet Li, Terry Crewes, and Randy Couture. Couture's style of fighting might have been my favorite. He would basically punch someone and then pick them up and slam them into the ground. Not the most elegant style, but effective nonetheless. Mickey Rourke plays a tattoo artist who used to run with Stallone's crew, but now just tends to get them jobs. And Dolph Lundgren plays an Expendable gone bad, who attempts to kill poor Jet Li multiple times.

So on the CWeave scale, I rate this movie a 6. No man-gasm, but I really like Statham, Li, and Couture. And I'm sorry but I just don't buy Stallone as a badass anymore. I think it's time he hung up his kick-ass pants for good. And I was also annoyed that Jason Statham, the ONE guy that I would like to see without his shirt on, kept it on the whole time! But Rourke and Stallone went topless. Entirely unnecessary.